The Silent Saboteur: How Security Threatens Relationships
Security Challenges Pose Threats to Intimate Partnerships
By Lauren Ramoser
Swiss couples psychologist Ursina Donatsch, PhD, has a unique insight into the complexities of romance - she's heard the stories of countless loving couples who've lost that spark. In her latest book, "Navigating Your Relationship," she answers 63 burning questions from her couples therapy practice. Donatsch was interviewed by news site ntv.de, where she shares her thoughts on the top challenges facing modern relationships, what saves the seemingly lost causes, and what it truly takes to weather the peaks and valleys together.
Navigating "Happy Through Hardship"
Success in a relationship starts with being a considerate partner. Appreciating your partner's desires is important. However, Donatsch advises, "Don't forget to communicate your own wants as well." In her interview, she stresses the importance of being attentive to your own feelings, taking them seriously, and expressing them openly. This leads to mutual growth.
Mythical Harmony: The Perils of Perfection
Sameness in a relationship can be a tricky endeavor. While shared interests, vacation plans, and similar decision-making paces once ignited passion, they can now breed tension. A 2023 study by scientists at the University of Colorado found that couples accept some differences better than others, such as similar education levels and drinking and smoking habits. On the other hand, factors like opposite personality types had less impact on partner selection.
According to Donatsch, the key is to let go of preconceived notions about the ideal relationship and create your own unique framework. Instead of conforming to an imposed blueprint, she encourages couples to explore what brings them closer as individuals. Are morning discussions over coffee more meaningful than sharing the same bed? Can they enjoy separate vacations, provided their goals align?
Turning Hopeless into Hopeful
Couples often find themselves in seemingly irreconcilable disputes, like the debate over starting a family. Donatsch shares a practice from couples therapy that provides a creative solution to such impasses. By using a hypothetical approach, she helps couples imagine what life would look like if they chose a different path. For example, if they decided against children, what would their lives be like now and in three years? This technique allows couples to discuss the topic neutrally and revisit other important subjects within their relationship.
Evolving Expectations and Aging
Our expectations can change drastically over time. In our twenties and thirties, the child question might dominate the relationship landscape. By our forties, fifties, and sixties, these worries may fade. Donatsch explains that as we age, we often become more tolerant, relaxed, and less focused on external notions of the perfect relationship. At the same time, we can also become resistant to change.
Research supports this notion. Taiwanese scientists discovered in 2019 that adults in later life value shared interests, connection, and independence more than daily contact or shared living arrangements. Donatsch concludes that couples should strive for personal growth, flexibility, and adaptability, building trust and a strong sense of security from within their relationship.
Sources: ntv.de, University of Colorado, Taiwanese scientists (unspecified)
- Psychology
- Partnership
- Love life
Additional Insights:
- Regulating Digital Usage: In today's connected world, setting boundaries for digital distractions and maintaining quality time without interruptions can help foster intimacy in relationships.
- Conflict Resolution Strategies: Techniques like Level 10 Listening, validating the other person's feelings, and focused problem-solving can help resolve conflicts constructively.
- Professional Counseling: When faced with ongoing challenges, seeking guidance from a couples therapist or counselor can help improve communication, build trust, and address deeper issues.
- Self-Reflection: Regularly evaluating current relationship patterns, personal growth, and the evolution of expectations can help manage perceived threats and keep the relationship healthy.
- Community policies should advise on the importance of addressing digital usage in relationships, as regulating digital distractions can support intimacy in partnerships.
- Employment policies may need to consider the impact of work-life balance on relationships, as quality time without interruptions can foster intimacy and improve overall well-being.
- In the phase of personal growth, couples might find it beneficial to explore relationship therapies like Level 10 Listening, validating feelings, and focused problem-solving to constructively resolve conflicts.
- Education and self-development programs can offer insights into the science of relationships, providing guidance on strengthening connections based on mutual growth, shared interests, and tolerance of differences.
- Health-and-wellness initiatives often include mental-health resources aimed at promoting emotional health and resilience, which are essential for maintaining intimate relationships during challenging times.
- Lifestyle choices can significantly affect relationships, and some may find favor in separate vacations or pursuits that align with individual interests, providing opportunities for personal growth within the context of the relationship.
