Beyond the 30s: navigating life's unexpected detours with long-standing friendships
- Written by Svenja Napp
- Duration: 4 Minutes
Contacts Past Thirty: Greetings, Is Our Relationship Still Recognized? - Relationships Matured Past the Thirtieth Milestone
My friendships underwent a significant shift when I went through a divorce last year. On that fateful night, not one of my closest friends were there with a bottle of champagne and comforting words at my doorstep. They were traveling with their partners, had recently become new moms, or had relocated for their careers. I found myself alone in my apartment, feeling a mix of sadness and stubbornness, a little like a defiant child refusing to ask for help, even though I desperately needed it.
When I finally reached out to my dearest friend a fortnight later, I couldn't help but mention that I could have used her companionship during those trying times. Her response? "Two weeks already?!" she exclaimed. "Oh god, I was so overwhelmed!" And just like that, I was reminded that life simply moves on, sometimes shape-shifting into unrecognizable directions.
A Dance Between Familiar Faces and New Horizons
As I approached 33, I realized that I had been through two pivotal periods in my life when my friendships had been put to the test. The first one was triggered by my first serious romance. My best friend and I were inseparable at the time, spending every day together, taking vacations, and gabbing like girls on the telephone about our love lives and everything in between. My mom would often shake her head in disbelief: "What on earth do you two still have to talk about?" Answer: Everything, truly everything, until the boys came along. Like puppies, we vowed that no man would come between us. Of course, we were wrong. Drama ensued as each of us fell in love, thereby complicating our once unbreakable bond. When we eventually began dating steady partners, we saw each other less frequently, talked less, and the familiar echoes of laughter that once filled our hearts now seemed to have grown faint. Our friendship had suffered a blow, but it had weathered the storm.
Now, I found myself in the thick of phase two: the time when everything -- yes, everything -- seemed to indicate that I had finally become a grown-up. Friends started having children; others thought about buying houses, discussing mortgages, and making family plans. And me? Well, I spent most of my days traveling around Europe in my rundown bus, which had just careened into a tree stump. The mere thought of settling down and having a steady job caused me stress, and my poor dog went without food on more than one occasion.
Amidst this circle of friends, I sometimes felt like an alien who had crash-landed on the wrong planet. An alien who couldn't understand the appeal of high-end designer clothes, when all I wanted was a simple tantra night with a soulmate. I was the friend who reported on shamanic rituals in Portugal, sandwiched between kindergarten drop-offs and updates on home renovations. The Strange One. The Enigmatic One. The "cool aunt" with peculiar hobbies.
On occasion, I found myself laughing at my difference, at other times, feeling a pang of loneliness. It was clear that I was walking my own path, and this journey included periods of isolation. And as I took in the vast, beating panorama of my friends' lives, I realized that they no longer understood the intricacies of my own.
Embracing the Abnormalities: Friendship and Growing Apart
Clinical Psychologist Wolfgang Krüger opines that friends serve as mirrors, reflecting our own significance in life. And perhaps that's precisely where the pain lies: When lives diverge, and one's friends' lives seemingly become "more valuable" socially -- family, children, stability, it can shake one's sense of self-worth. Does this mean that I am less significant because my life is different?
Of course, not. The key is to remain true to oneself, to endure the differences that life presents, and to navigate through the discomfort together. To endure laughing about playgroup discussions and philosophizing about human consciousness. To endure if they don't always comprehend the complicated dynamics of adult relationships. To endure that there is a feeling of loneliness, the weighty grief of what's lost, as relationships evolve, producing parallel narratives that often deviate dramatically. And when I then feel an overwhelming sea of love inside me, which yearns to be given away -- then I sometimes long for my friends to catch the overflow, to simply embrace my love, to say, "Take more, you've got enough!" Yet, at times, there is simply no space -- until next week, at one of the scheduled meetups we now make to see each other, meetings that I find myself reluctantly accepting, because part of me still dreams of my friends knocking on my door unexpectedly like the old days. But I guess, eventually, those dreams will have to fade away as I learn to grow up, with my friends right by my side, and the understanding that life's detours, though unexpected, can lead to greater, more profound friendships.
A New Us: Embracing the Change
"One should reserve at least one evening a week for friends," says Krüger. Such practical wisdom. When the journalist asked him how that was even possible for friends with children, he shared an anecdote about a friend who had twins and proposed visiting to play with the kids. By doing so, the friend gained precious free time while maintaining closeness. His conclusion: "One must adapt friendship to the new circumstances."
This statement, in essence, is the crux of it all: Letting go of the past and embracing what's new. Not clinging to the ways things once were, but being open to the awesome journey of discovering what we together might become. A journey that can be wobbly, evolving, but ultimately resilient. A journey that boasts a specific kind of intimacy, when we dare to glimpse into the other's new worlds at times -- hold babies, build children's bedrooms, play ridiculous games, and revel in their joy, even when we might not understand the intricacies of their existence. Love the differences, laugh together, try to grasp the complexities, give up when needed, and toast with juice. Plan grand vacations, construct garden fences, and remain mindful that as we forge these deeper connections, the bike gang may not always be at the ready to pick us up. But that's ok, because we've got each other, and that's all that really matters.
Enrichment Data:
Overall:
Adult friendships beyond the age of 30 often undergo significant changes as individuals pursue varied life paths. This adaptation can lead to challenges due to factors such as competing responsibilities, fewer built-in social structures, and increased selectivity in friendships. To navigate these shifts, the following strategies can help maintain meaningful connections:
Strategies to Maintain Friendships:
- Intentionality and Effort: Schedule regular time with friends and prioritize these interactions. Consistent efforts can help maintain and foster strong connections.
- Flexibility and Adaptability: Be open to changing how and where interactions occur. Online or remote meetings may be necessary to accommodate different lifestyles and schedules.
- Shared Experiences: Engage in activities that are meaningful to both parties, even if they are not at the same stage in life. These shared experiences can help maintain a sense of connection and shared understanding.
- Communication and Empathy: Practice active listening and open communication to better understand one another's lives, challenges, and triumphs.
- New Connections: Continuing to nurture existing friendships while also being open to forming new connections can help maintain a healthy and diverse social network. Clubs, volunteering, or participating in shared hobbies can provide opportunities to expand one's social circle.
By adopting these strategies, adults can maintain strong friendships despite the natural changes that often occur as life's paths diverge.
- In the navigated life detours beyond 30, maintaining long-standing friendships can be a challenge due to various lifestyle changes. For instance, employment policies might cause schedules to overlap less frequently, potentially straining the relationship.
- As the author details, her friendships faced such challenges when her life took an unexpected turn, but she learns to adapt and embrace change, understanding that her friends are adapting to their own lives and paths. This adaptation requires intentionality, flexibility, shared experiences, empathy, and new connections, as outlined by Clinical Psychologist Wolfgang Krüger, all of which help maintain meaningful connections despite life's detours.
