Caution for people-pleasers: Excessive flattery could potentially damage your relationships
In the realm of psychology, a lesser-known stress response known as fawning has been gaining attention. Coined by Pete Walker, a psychologist in Berkeley, California, fawning is an extreme form of people-pleasing, conflict avoidance, and prioritizing others' needs over one's own[1]. This response is commonly seen in individuals who have experienced trauma, abuse, or neglect, often developed during childhood as a means to stay safe by appeasing perceived threats or caregivers[2][3].
Fawning is rooted in a deep fear of rejection and abandonment, leading to a highly ingrained pattern of suppressing one’s true feelings, needs, and boundaries to avoid conflict or harm[1][2][4]. Meg Josephson, a psychotherapist in San Francisco, has been advocating for awareness and healing from fawning, as she believes it is a significant obstacle in fostering healthy relationships.
Josephson, who recently posted a video on social media stating "You're okay - they're not secretly mad at you," aims to help people who think "I can't feel okay unless the other person is okay" with her new book, "Are You Mad At Me? How To Stop Focusing On What Others Think And Start Living For You"[3]. In her book, she encourages readers to practice being more direct with someone they feel safe around and ask for help, as honest and clear communication is the most important part of any relationship and erases the need to read between the lines[3].
To address fawning, appropriate therapeutic support is crucial. Key approaches include talk therapy, somatic therapies, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), psychiatric support, and growing awareness and compassionate self-acceptance[4]. Therapy aims not to “fix” the individual but to help them rediscover and express their true self, which has been suppressed by the need for safety through appeasement[4].
For those who habitually fawn, starting with low-stakes situations can help set boundaries and say no. If a person tells you that she is not mad at you, take her word for it and get comfortable with the discomfort of taking people at face value[6]. If someone is being passive-aggressive in their communication, there's nothing for you to fix[7]. If someone is apologizing for hurting you, it's important to say "Thank you, I'm glad we're talking about this," instead of relieving them of guilt[7].
By understanding and addressing fawning, individuals can strengthen their relationships, save energy in the long-term, and live more authentic lives. If you find yourself constantly making excuses or catering to others, consider seeking help to explore the origins of your fawning tendencies and learn to prioritize self-care and assertiveness.
References:
- Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma. New Harbinger Publications.
- van der Kolk, B. A., & McFarlane, A. C. (Eds.). (1996). Traumatic Stress: The Effects of Overwhelming Experience on Mind, Body, and Society. Guilford Press.
- Josephson, M. (2021). Are You Mad At Me? How To Stop Focusing On What Others Think And Start Living For You. HarperOne.
- Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books.
- NeuroClastic. (2020, November 18). Neurodivergence and Fawning: The Hyper-Empathetic Response. Retrieved from https://neuroclastic.com/neurodivergence-and-fawning-the-hyper-empathetic-response/
- In the realm of health-and-wellness, addressing fawning, an extreme form of people-pleasing and conflict avoidance, can lead to personal-growth by boosting self-care and assertiveness.
- Mental-health professionals often recommend science-backed therapies such as talk therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), and somatic therapies for individuals struggling with fawning.
- Lifestyle changes, including practicing direct communication and learning to say 'no' in low-stakes situations, can help individuals overcome fawning tendencies and foster healthier relationships.
